This is a difficult decision which most of us have to face and the decision is ours alone to make. However, the most likely outcome – regardless of whether your perpetrator admits or not – is that you will lose your birth family and that is very hard to take and very hurtful.

Five questions to ask yourself to help you decide:

• “How will I feel when she/he denies the accusation?”

  In most cases this will be the result – it is very unusual to get validation from a confrontation.

• “Am I able to accept that the family of the perpetrator (usually our own family) will most likely side with the perpetrator?”

  The family are likely to be prepared to continue a relationship with me only if I do not talk about the abuse; and they are unlikely to break off relations with the perpetrator.

• “Why I am needing to confront him/her?”

  Is it for healing, for understanding, for comfort? You are very unlikely to receive any of these from a confrontation.

• “Do I have the support to help me after I have confronted?”

  This is not something to do unless you have really good support afterwards.

• “Am I ready to be elated when the perpetrator admits the abuse, and then deflated when – regardless of the admission – the family sides with the perpetrator and ousts me from the family?”

  It’s a potentially damaging roller coaster.

If you have definitely decided to confront your perpetrator:

1. Consider taking someone with you.
2. Rehearse what you want to say. If necessary take notes with you so you can ensure you cover the most important points.
3. Work out your priorities in what you need to say, in case you get only one sentence out.
4. Remind yourself of the ways in the past that your perpetrator disempowered you and be ready to mentally counteract them if it happens.
5. Remind yourself that they will trivialise, minimize, deny or say , which seems to often be the excuse, “I cannot remember”.

On the Day:

Remain in your feelings as much as you can, after naming the behaviour.

Ground yourself and keep ensuring that you remain present by practising grounding practices (like naming to yourself five things you can see, five things you can hear etc).

Know you are in control, you have chosen this day, not him/her.

State to the person you choose to take your power back and remember to validate yourself.

If you have been to Mayumarri and know how to de-trigger yourself, remember to do just that by naming the feeling, rather than splitting off.

Brief your support person what to look for as signs of not coping from you and permit them to ask for time out away from your perpetrator (if the meeting allows).

Remember to stay as strong as you can. It is your time to put the responsibility – which you have carried all this time – firmly back where it belongs

Remember, the exercise is for you not for the perpetrator – don’t let him/her control the agenda.

Take from the meeting what is positive for you and leave the rest for the offender.

Affirm that you are worthy.

Remember that Mayumarri is only a phone call away and we will want to hear from you on this momentous day!

Male Survivors of Incest
and Sexual Child Abuse

Incest

The traditional definition of incest is sexual activity between blood relatives. Michael Lew’s definition of incest is more inclusive. Incest is a violation of a position of trust, power, and protection. Sex between blood relatives is just one part of a more inclusive view of incest. Incest differs from other forms of sexual abuse in that the perpetrator is assumed to stand in a protective (parental) role to the victim. It is not necessary that the “parenting” figure be a family member. The perpetrator could be a relative by blood or marriage, parent, stepparent, older sibling, neighbor, family friend, teacher, member of the clergy, therapist, physician, baby-sitter, camp counselor, or any other care-taker.

Messages about Masculinity and Sexuality

To understand the context in which abuse, survival, and recovery take place, there must be an understanding and examination of the cultural beliefs regarding abuse, victims, perpetrators, children, women and men. Masculinity training begins at birth. Studies have shown that male and female babies tend to be held differently, treated differently, and given differing degrees of attention.

Once men accept that they fail to meet the standards of masculinity, they carry a sense of inferiority into most areas of life. Men often spend their lives trying to “prove” their masculinity, or have succumbed to the feeling that because they aren’t “all men,” they aren’t men at all. No true man displays “womanly” attributes. Men must not show “softer emotions.” Men must be strong, devoid of fear, unflinching, and capable. Any lapse into doubt, confusion, tenderness or emotionalism is perceived as weakness.

Restricting the range of permissible behavior and emotions compromises a man’s creativity and his ability to respond flexibly to life situations. for the man or boy whose temperament is incompatible with the traditional male image, life can be hell. He may be teased, ridiculed, shunned, or even brutalized. It may be difficult for him to achieve credibility in social, educational, and professional environments. He may be rejected by his family as a source of embarrassment. Failing to develop into the male ideal, some men pretend to be what they are not, turning themselves into a parody of traditional machismo. Others give up the attempt, rejecting themselves because of their perceived failure as men.

The traditional view of the “ideal ” male leaves every male feeling isolated. Forced to depend only upon themselves (for fear of seeming less than a man) cooperating becomes a virtual impossibility. Vulnerability, seen as weakness, is equally impossible. Men, in turn, do not have access to their tender, emotional, nurturing, and sympathetic qualities. Rigid adherence to a particular view of masculinity not only increases the incidence of victimization, but severely inhibits prospects of recovery.

The male is expected to be confident, knowledgeable, experienced, aggressive, and dominant. Our culture provides no room for a man as a victim. Men are simply not supposed to be victimized. A. “real” man is expected to be able to solve any problem and recover from any setback. When he experiences victimization, our cultural expects him to be able to “deal with like a man.” Men are supposed to be in control of their feelings at all times. the survivor’s ongoing feelings of confusion, frustration, anger, and fear can be further evidence of his failing as a man. the victimized male wonders and worries about what the abuse has turned him into. Believing that he is no longer an adequate man, he may see himself as a child, a woman, gay, or less than human.

The survivor may set himself up as a:

1. Perpetrator – He feels that he must achieve power so as to avoid further victimization. The world is divided in victims and perpetrators, abuse can be interpreted as power.
2. Victim – Once again, the survivor feels that the only options to men are the roles of victim and perpetrators. Knowing how he felt as a victim, he is determined that he will never be a victim again, he is determined that he will never victimize another human being. So he resigns himself to remaining a victim.
3. Protector – Feeling that children are in constant danger from adults, many male survivors deal with their fear of being abused by taking on the role of protector. Many enter the human service professions.

Male survivors of incest often deal with confusion about their sexuality. Since the abuse was committed sexually, it is often seen as an act of sexual passion instead of an aggressive and destructive violation. Questions about their sexuality often centers on the issue of their sexual orientation since most of the perpetrators are men. Heterosexual survivors wonder whether they can ever function successfully as a sexual partner to a woman-Am I man enough. This concern can lead to sexual “performance anxiety” or promiscuous behavior in an attempt to “prove his Manhood.” The question also asked is, “Does this mean I’m gay?” For gay men this question often takes the form of, “Is this why I’m gay?” Lew states that virtually every gay male in his incest recovery groups report that they have tried to trace their homosexuality to the abuse. Another question asked is, “Did this happen to me because I’m gay?”

Adult survivors of sexual abuse live their lives in the face of massive shame. Survivors face shame that they “allowed themselves” to be demeaned and weakened. If they enjoyed any part of the abuse they see it as further confirmation of their shortcomings-they have failed as human beings and as men. Any sexual activity with a man or woman can re stimulate shameful feelings. sex has been so strongly associated with victimization and shame that it takes great effort to break the connection.

Survival and Aftereffects

Losses Manifested in Adult Life

Loss of memory of childhood. One way of dealing with the pain is to put what has happened out of the mind. If child has to deny or forget what is happening to him in order to survive the abusive situation, he may find, as an adult, that he has literally lost his childhood

Loss of healthy social contact. When a child feels that the only safety is in isolation, it seriously impairs his ability to respond to others. Protecting himself from abusers by keeping to himself, he also misses out on the possibility of positive, healthy social interactions-with peers and adults. This isolation is often reinforced by the perpetrator. As a way of keeping the abuse secret the abuser may, usually successful, attempt to isolate the child form other people.

Loss of opportunity to play. If you ask people what children do with their time, the most frequent answer would be “play.” This is not true for many abused children. True play is interactive and requires playmates. He can not relax or trust others enough to enjoy playing. Easy, active, spontaneous playfulness feels too much like loss of control.

Loss of opportunity to learn. In the course of play children learn to communicate, cooperate, compete, problem solve, coordinate, create and behave in age-appropriate ways.

Loss of control over one’s body. The most intimate aspect of oneself is one’s body. Sexual abuse violates a child’s sense of his himself in the most basic way. Someone else takes control of his body against his will.

Loss of normal loving. Childhood should be a time when every child learns that he is good, lovable, wanted, welcomed, and that information, understanding, and protection are available from loving adults. child abuse prevents all of this.

• Anxiety and/or confusion: panic attacks, fears and phobias

• Depression and suicidal thoughts

• Low self-esteem

• Shame and quilt over acts of commission and/or omission

• Inability to trust themselves or others

• Fear of feelings

• Nightmares and flashbacks

• Insomnia

• Amnesia

• Violence or fear of violence

• Discomfort with being touched

• Compulsive sexual activity

• Social alienation

• Multiple personalities

• Substance Abuse

• Unrealistic and negative body image

• Blistering: Filing room with words leaving no room for anyone to pierce fragile defenses.

• Invisible: Silent and self-effacing

• Intimidating: Intelligent, glib, sharp-witted and psychologically savvy that no one challenges his verbal barrages.

• Angry: Radiating rage, criticism, and intolerance

• Outrageous: Shocking in word, appearance, and behavior

• Placating/pleasing: Being so nice and caring that attention is directed towards others.

• Comedy: Relying on superficiality and banter to distract attention away from pain.

• Teddy Bear: The warm, comforting and non threatening creature that is safe..

• Academic: Retreating into his head to keep from contacting with painful emotions.

Recovery

Four Myths that interfere with Recovery:

1. Vulnerability = Weakness
2. Rigidity = Strength
3. Comfort = Safety
4. Under Control = In Charge

Therapeutic Issues and Concerns

Some of the reasons men come up with to avoid seeking therapy:

• “I should be able to do it myself.”

• “If I go for psychological help, I’m admitting failure.”

• “It’s not that bad.” “Its not serious enough to require treatment.”

• “It’s too expensive. I can’t afford it.”

• “I don’t want people to know I’m in therapy. Everyone will think I’m wacko.”

• “I don’t want some shrink telling me what to do.” “I’m afraid it will completely change my personality.”

The fact that there are many different helpful therapeutic styles does not mean that all therapies are helpful. Not everything that is called therapy is therapeutic-some so called therapeutic practices are, at best, counterproductive for the incest survivor. At worst, they can be abusive.

1. Beware of re-creating the abuse. As an incest survivor, they must never be re victimized. It does not matter whether the victimization is actual or symbolic, it is harmful. Any role-playing, psychodrama, guided fantasy, or other techniques that simulates the original abusive situation with the client in the role of victim will be frightening and destructive to recovery.
2. Beware of inappropriate touching. Part of the recovery process demands that the client is in complete charge of their body. They have the absolute right to decide who can touch them, and set limits on when and how they are touched. this extends to hugs, pats on the shoulder, and even handshakes.
3. Beware of being authoritative. A great deal of harm was done to the client when someone in their life insisted that they knew what was best for them. Recovery means being in ultimate charge of their lives.
4. Beware of being unresponsive. There are some therapist who provide virtually no feedback to their clients. The client is left to imagine what the therapist is thinking, projecting his own ideas onto the counselor. The client has lived much of their life in a kind of isolation having to fall back on their own resources which often leaves them with many unanswered questions.
5. Beware of being critical and judgment. The client is an expert at self-criticism and negative self-judgments it will only be counterproductive or abusive if you in turn do the same.

Confronting the Abuser

Confronting the perpetrator is a difficult and complex issue. A client must give a great deal of thought to the question of why they would want to do it-and whether confrontation is in their best interest. There is no general rule about confrontation. It is highly individual and personal decision. For some people it is a logical step in their recovery; for others it could be a dangerous and self-destructive act. The real meaning of confrontation is to stand up to the abuse. It represents a recognition that:

• What happened to the client was abusive.

• Sexual child abuse is wrong.

• The client did not deserve to be abused.

• The client is not responsible for the abuse.

• People must be accountable for their actions.

Confrontation, then, proceeds from a position of growing strength which states that every human being deserves respect. Each person has the right to control his or her body. Confrontation is not the goal of recovery. It is a tool for recovery.

Forgiving the Abuser

It is not necessary for the client to forgive the person who abused them! Forgiveness is an individual matter.

• Help the client take their time. Help the client to not rush to forgive. Whether or not forgiveness will ever be relevant, it is not appropriate in the early stages of recovery.

• Help the client protect themselves. Beware of the client getting trapped by a sense of pity. Help the client not yield to the inclination to protect or take care of the perpetrator. Even if the client cares deeply for their abuser. The perpetrator is not in need of protection.

• Help the client explore their feelings around considering or wanting to forgive their abuser.

• Help the client understand that they can change their mind. Recovery is a dynamic process. Things sometime change. What seems appropriate at on point in their recovery may be counterproductive or irrelevant at another.

• Help the client understand that forgiveness isn’t “all or nothing.”

• Help the client understand that the process of forgiving a person should not take the form of condoning the abuse.

Adapted from Mike Lew’s book titled, “Victims no longer: Men recovering from incest and other sexual child abuse,” Published by Harper in Row in 1988.

How You Can Help – For Partners

It can be tremendously inspiring to witness someone’s recovery process close at hand. At the same time, being in an intimate relationship with a survivor in the process of healing can be challenging. Difficulties with trust, intimacy, and sex, may be present. Your partner’s healing process may dominate your time together. You may feel confused about some of her behaviours and you may feel guilty or inadequate that you can’t take away her pain. Your partner may withdraw, take her anger out on you, or abstain from sexual activity for long periods of time. It may be hard for you to remember that these behaviours may have nothing to do with you personally. Here are some suggestions that may be of help to you.

1. Listen to your partners’s feelings. Avoid suggesting to her how she should feel, such as “you should feel angry.” Encourage her to express the wide range of feelings she may be experiencing. Yet, at the same time, allow her to decide for herself when and how she will do this. Expect that she will have positive as well as negative feelings. Not uncommonly, some survivors have feelings of warmth and love toward the perpetrator for the non-exploitative part of their relationship especially if the abuser was also nurturing.
2. Let her know you believe her story. Probably one of your partner’s biggest fears is that she will not be believed – even she may often have difficulty believing the abuse happened; she will only tell you what she can trust you with. Let her know that you believe what she tells you about the abuse. By denying, distrusting, or minimizing her experience, you will only strengthen her fears and push her back into silence. She needs a calm, accepting, encouraging response. Don’t press for details and don’t focus on sexual details.
3. Share your own feelings appropriately. It’s okay to share to your feelings of anger, sadness, and grief with her. In fact it may be helpful for her to hear that you feel outrage or pain about her abuse. On the other hand, it’s very important that your feelings are not so strong or out of control that she feels that she has to take care of you. She may feel guilty about upsetting you and may stop expressing her own feelings in order to protect you.Recognize your feelings as separate from hers. Be aware that angry and retaliatory behaviour can hurt her by making her feel anxious, out of control, and powerless. If this starts to happen, you may want to seek support elsewhere.
4. Reinforce that the abuse is the offender’s fault – not hers. Reassure your partner that whatever she did or did not do was the right thing for her to do at the time to survive the sexual abuse. Help her to reverse her feelings of guilt, self-blame, and denial by always placing the responsibility for the abuse on the offender. Emphasize that, no matter what the circumstances, she was not to blame.
5. Validate what she sees to be the effects of the abuse. As a part of her healing, it is important that she begin to link past events with current problems and make sense of these connections in her own way. Even though the connections she makes may sometimes seen illogical to you, accept what she says as valid. No one else knows better than she does how the abuse has affected her; no one else can do this “sorting out”process for her.
6. Let her make her own decisions. In order for the survivor to regain or feel in control of her life, it is important that she is not overprotected. This means encouraging her to trust her own instincts, ideas and opinions. Recognize that changes or decisions she makes may affect her relationships including her closest ones. Help her gather the information she needs to make decisions. Support her in any future disclosures or confrontations she may or may not choose to do.
7. Ask permission before offering physical support. Unless you have a firmly established custom of expressing affection in your relationship already, do not rush in with physical contact to your partner without asking her permission first. Some survivors may experience uninvited physical contact as an intrusion. It may remind them too much of the unwanted contact they experienced when they were being abused. Other survivors may find touching, holding, and hugging to be comforting. The important thing is for your partner to decide what she needs or wants.
8. Accept that this relationship will have stresses and strains due to the long term impact of sexual violations.

9. Beware that some of her feelings about the offender may be inappropriately directed at a safe person. A survivor may transfer some of her feelings onto a partner with which she may feel safe. This may be confusing. When you believe this is happening one way of coping with this situation is to let your partner know when she is making expectations and judgments about you that don’t fit with how you see yourself. Gently point out when you feel your intentions are being misunderstood. If you start to feel defensive or aggressive resist acting this out with your partner. Instead, admit your reactions openly and look for ways to bring them under control.
10. Respond to sexual problems with love and patience. In order to heal, your partner may need to stop doing anything sexual that she doesn’t feel comfortable with. She may not want to have sex at all for long periods of time. There are ways you can help to make this process easier for both of you. Talk openly about what is going on between you sexually, and encourage her to do the same. This may make things safer for her and keep the two of you emotionally close. Recognize that many of the needs you normally fulfill by having sex can be met in other ways. Be patient and open yourself up to other ways of being close while she is healing.
11. Reinforce the fact that she has survived. Whatever she did or did not do was the “right thing” for her in order to survive the sexual violations. Remind her she has survived the worst and though healing can be difficult and painful, she will get through it just as she survived the abuse.
12. Recognize and respect your own limits. Try to keep tabs on your own emotional resources and don’t give beyond what you are capable of giving. If you do, you may end up resenting or withdrawing from your partner. Remember that no one person can give a survivor everything she needs, nor can anyone make up for what she has experienced. Encourage her to find support with other people, not just with you. Spend time taking care of yourself. Hearing about her experiences may stir up unresolved issues and strong feelings about your own experience. It may be important for you to have outside support for yourself such as professionals, friends or family. Make sure you get the survivor’s permission before you talk about the abuse to others.
13. Accept that you can’t fix it. As much as you want to, you can not take away her pain or struggles. Some people think they have to do something in order to help a person get over pain, but often there is not a lot you can actually do. Some emotional pain is inevitable and it is her work to transform her feelings. Your place is not to make it better – your place is to be a loving supportive partner through hard times.

http://www.vwsac.com/help-partners

From Victim to Survivor to Thriver